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Get off my lawn! (Formerly "Greetings, hello, and welcome!") Ordinarily this area is devoted to "a few words about me", but I am 25 (formerly 24) years old and I did not get this far by not telling people to get off my lawn (formerly "by telling people about myself"). Instead, you can go on an exciting voyage of non-self-discovery (unless you're myself - and I know I am!) by reading my posts. They date back to February of 2004 - that's more than a shit-ton (formerly three) years of quality!

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Thursday, March 24, 2005
Absolutely Nothing To Do With Today In History

In 1854, US Naval Commodore Matthew Perry managed to negotiate (that word should have quotation marks around it, since, you know, "do it or we'll blast your cities to pieces" is generally not referred to as "negotiation") a treaty with Japan, for two centuries almost totally closed to outsiders, which opened the island nation to trade and interaction with the wider world (though, of course, chiefly the Great Powers). This event would prove to be a catalyzing element l;eading to the Meiji Restoration and the rapid modernization of Japan which would, fifty years after the signing of said treaty, allow that nation to defeat Russia in the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-05. A side effect of this war would stem from the battle at the Straits of Tsushima, at which nearly the entirety of the Russia fleet was destroyed by superior Japanese vessels and tactics. This example of how simply fleets could be destroyed would in turn lead to a general hesitance on the part of Germany and England in the First World War to fully utilize their fleets; this had among other consequences the development of the British Gallipoli campaign. This campaign would prove the hardiness of the Turkish peasant-soldier, turn out to be a resounding Turkish victory (with Mustafa Kemal, father of the modern Turkish nation, as general of the Turkish forces), and for twenty years almost totally ended the political life of a young British politician named Winston Churchill.

These events would help to create circumstances in which, in 1931, Churchill was very nearly killed by a speeding taximeter cabriolet (this round goes to me, Martha Brockenbrough!) in New York City. Though not a certainty, his death would probably have removed an irreplaceable source of moral strength for the British people in the Second World War, possibly leading to an early British capitulation at the hands of a less capable Prime Minister. Alternately, perhaps another, more capable PM would have come to power, possibly drawing in the United States earlier or otherwise altering the course of that war in a more favorable way; the likelihood, I think, lies more in favor of the former, but that's the thing with alternate history - it goes both ways.

The point of all of this is that a single event, especially in the modern age, can lead indirectly to far larger things, sometimes with disastrous consequences. But that isn't what I'm actually writing this for; I just think that the web which history weaves is a thing of awesome and terrible beauty.

The reason I'm writing this (I actually expected this entry to be about three sentences long, but I love history) is because I found an old notebook of mine, a little 3.5" x 5" booklet full of things I thought about, or fleshed out with or was introduced to by my brothers (generally). One of these was a nice little logical progression regarding how the treaty was forced by Commodore Perry. It's like history, but with many, many more ninjas, and hopefully swarming with the undead.

History records Perry's flagship during the treaty signing as the USS Powhatan, cap'ned by Henry Adams (who is notable for never having gone "Yar!" or "Avast!" or having used the phrase "bucket o' chum" in any capacity); Perry's squadron in total is recorded as having been seven ships, and the modern weaponry on board these vessels the decisive factor in forcing this treaty. In fact, Perry needed none of these ships to open Japan - indeed, none of them, either severally or jointly, could have posed the slightest threat to the Japanese.

There exists exactly one ship in popular fictio- er, "history," which could have forced such a treaty - a ship crewed and captained by the one force which could give pause to the people of Japan.

So. In order to pretend that I've actually left enough clues for this to be possible, and that people have any idea what I'm talking about, I'll just posit this question: can you name that ship?

Posted at 01:10 am by Saladin

Alyred
March 31, 2005   05:32 PM PST
 
Indeed. Isn't that why we became arch-nemeses in the first place?
RaccoonBacon
March 30, 2005   01:48 PM PST
 
Im goign to kall u alot to-morrow.
Saladin
March 30, 2005   12:44 PM PST
 
Sadly, Alyred, it'll never be. The whole "space between the 'no' and 'one' in the phrase 'no one'" issue is insuperable. Insuperable, I tell you!
Alyred
March 30, 2005   11:52 AM PST
 
Indeed, my guess for the same reasons. That's why I selected the two pirate ships as my first in the list. The Queen Anne's revenge being second, of course, because it was merely crewed by REGULAR pirates. They only SMELLED like Zombies. And Blackbeard himself, of course, was the worst. And of course, the fact that the Queen Anne's Revenge was, in fact, NONfiction, rather than the popular fiction listed as one of the requirements.

It's almost scary how often we think alike. I still think you should turn your back on your goody-two-shoes "ways" and "ethics" and join me as a partner. Noone could oppose us!
Saladin
March 29, 2005   04:53 PM PST
 
Me too.

I mean, attagirl.

Anyone who guessed the Black Pearl, you technically win. What do you win? An explanation, which I'll share with everyone.

See, everybody knows that ninjas and pirates are ancient foes, a rivalry which dates back to the formation of the early cities in Mesopotamia. And anyone who even bothers to review the evidence available cannot rationally deny that a ninja is simply the better of the two; piratist though I am, I can't escape this logic.

Of course, the point is that *a* ninja would defeat *a* pirate - but while ninjas work alone, being solitary martial artists and masters of the night, pirates work in groups ranging from twenty to several hundred. Ergo the pirate ship, whereas there exists no such analogous organization for ninjas.

However, while a pirate may not be any match for a ninja, and a zombie isn't a match either, a ZOMBIE PIRATE is a totally different story. Specifically it is a story involving the eating of delicious brains, and I'm all for that.

So if a zombie pirate and a ninja are equals in the Hierarchy Of Stuff, and one is invading or "negotiating" with Japan, the very HOME of the ninja way (especially in 1854, before it had been exported so very successfully), one needs a lot of zombie pirates.

And that's why Commodore Perry could have done all he did with exactly one ship, as long as that ship was captained and crewed by zombie pirates.

Enter the Black Pearl.
Lilith.
March 29, 2005   01:59 AM PST
 
I'm changing my guess to the Black Pearl.
Alyred
March 28, 2005   12:10 PM PST
 
And what, my dear Bacon, would exclude a klingon bird of prey from, say, going back in time to the late 80's and secretly rescuing some whales to bring back the future and avert alien-induced apocalypse?

Yes, just another example of how pure evil and not-so-evil can work together to confound you all!
KwstzHdrchX
March 24, 2005   01:36 PM PST
 
I'm going with the HMS Beagle.
RaccoonBacon
March 24, 2005   12:55 PM PST
 
I doubt it would be the spaceship, since that's not "history" but our glorious future! How about the black ships in Return of the King that carried the unstoppable army of the dead? I think they'd pose a pretty decent threat against Japan.
Saladin
March 24, 2005   12:25 PM PST
 
The Inevitably Successful In All Circumstances, though a dynamite guess, also shares with dynamite the trait of exploding. Specifically, if you'll recall, in Scene II it was destroyed by an 80-story tall giant nuclear-powered robot with laser beam eyes, rocket launchers for shoulders, and fists made of pure crushium stuffide.

I'll give Alyred points (which can be used to buy fabulous prizes, such as a rooster inside of an earthenware pitcher, or an earthenware pitcher inside of a very unhappy rooster) for narrowing down the playing field - it *is* one of those ships - but not credit for the actual ship.

This is because I am a cruel, mercurial dictator, and you have foolishly entered my domain. Mwaha, etc.
Sinister Ninja
March 24, 2005   11:35 AM PST
 
Crap, acturi stole my guess.
acturi
March 24, 2005   11:06 AM PST
 
How about the Inevitably Successful In All Circumstances?
Alyred
March 24, 2005   10:37 AM PST
 
Hmm, let's see. I was going to guess the Nautilus as well, but since Lilith already posited that question, I supposed that ship has sailed. Har!

Let's see. There's the Black Pearl, the Queen Anne's Revenge, the USS Enterprise (The aircraft carrier, not the spaceship), the USS Enterprise (The spaceship, not the aircraft carrier), the klingon bird of prey, the Nimbus, the Nina, Pinta, or Santa Maria, the HMS Beagle, or the Endeavor.

Yeah, gotta be one of them.

Oh, and don't forget Old Ironsides.
Saladin
March 24, 2005   09:33 AM PST
 
You're getting closer, though that's because you've moved from the realm of "arcade games" to that of "seagoing vessels" more than anything.
Lilith.
March 24, 2005   08:16 AM PST
 
The "Nautilus" is a ship in poplular fictio- er, "history".
RaccoonBacon
March 24, 2005   01:39 AM PST
 
MEGADINO NINJATRON! No, I don't know. But this all reminds me of the funniest arcade game I've EVER seen: Bad Dudes vs. Ninja Dragon! So generic! At most it's a two-player game, but the player buttons are aptly titled, "1 Dude" and "2 Dudes."

Jump! Attack! Jump! Attack!
 

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