30 THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS (works for guy+guy or girl+girl, too!)
written by a guy. after years of experience.

His "years of experience" probably involve "chatting online with hot babes all day." Still, I do like the sound of this working for girl/girl action. Here comes the SNILT!

1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.

"Surprise is a terrible thing. Girls hate it when their boyfriend does unexpectedly nice things, so make sure you schedule everything minute-by-minute, from sex to dinner to bathroom breaks."

2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

"You shouldn't cheat on your girlfriend because she will find out. Ethical or moral considerations, let alone the emotional basis for a relationship which should preclude such behavior, are not valid as reasons to remain faithful. It's strictly out of fear of social repercussions."

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the frickin hat.

"Males revert immediately to their primal state when around females, and therefore you should urinate on the male relations and friends of your girlfriend to prove your dominance and worthiness to court the girl. Don't be afraid to throw the first punch: beware other males!" I'm also impressed by the potential double entendre of "every single male relative," as though you need be wary only of the unattached male relatives, who seek to couple with your girlfriend - their relative.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.

The literal continuation of this would involve praising the beauty of one's girlfriend continuously, potentially even standing outside the bathroom door and shouting "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" at the top of your lungs. This would work especially well if utilized near public bathrooms.
5. Don't refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.

Or they're just making fun of you. They don't have to be jealous of you to laugh at you. Even if you prefer to avoid public displays of affection, ignore your feelings and do what the list says.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

"It's unthinkable that you might have an abusive girlfriend. She is always right and you are always wrong. It's okay for a girl to hit you: but if you hit back, you're a monster."

7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

"Being in a relationship means surrendering personal space. Within three weeks of initiating such a relationship, the two of you should have merged your internals in a symbiosis not unlike that enjoyed by certain species of insect."

8 (a). If you don't sleep with them, do not tell your friends that you did.

"Sex is a dirty, unnatural thing. No one must know of it! Lie if you must!"

8 (b).  If you DO sleep with them, don't tell your friends that you did.

We've covered this one. I'm baffled, however, by the use of a contraction in this sentence while the previous was bereft of the same.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...

"Talk strictly of how much you'll enjoy fucking them. Make frequent use of offensive slang."

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

I don't know how to make fun of this one. Whales eat a lot of plankton; is that what the author is getting at here? Bring your beloved eighty tons of plankton for dinner?

11 (a). Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it.

"If you don't conform to the societal standard and pay for everything, you're a monster and nobody will ever love you. Non-traditional financial arrangements are forbidden."

11 (b). Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

"You have a girlfriend. Why do you need money for yourself? What are you, some kind of miser who needs to pay for housing and vehicle insurance? Beggar yourself for her, and you'll be happier - there's no chance that resentment will build, culminating in a shouting match which terminates the relationship!"

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it's not a serious relationship.

These are the rules, folks. Stuffed animal, sweatshirt, pretty ring. Even if it's a two-day fling, MAKE SURE SHE GETS THAT STUFF! Jesus is watching you.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.

Okay, this one I actually agree with. Maybe it's because I'm simultaneously a worrier and the kind of guy who likes to get a few more moments of time with people for whom I care, but this one actually sounds okay to me.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the crap out of him.

Violence is the answer. Because you have some sort of consensual relationship with her, you should take a shovel to the face of all males who interact with her. She'll respect you after you spend six months in prison for assault, and what you learn from being Bubba's boyfriend will no doubt translate into better sex.

15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

You are not allowed to exist independently of her. Because you have no grasp of morals or ethical conduct, you cannot be trusted to interact with other females unless you basically have your girlfriend sitting on your shoulders - and she knows it!

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.

Playful violence is unacceptable. Meanwhile, it's okay for girls to hit you, either playfully or in the face with a shovel, but you cannot respond. If you do, you are (once again) a monster. And you'll get to hook back up with Bubba when she files charges. And according to the picture painted by this list, she probably will.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

I can pretty much leave this one alone just pointing out, "She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not." I'm certainly willing to do things I dislike for those for whom I care, but hopefully she cares whether or not I'm enjoying myself. What am I, a slave?

18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

Being yourself is the best way to lose your girlfriend. If you can't get along with their relations or friends, don't acknowledge the problem and try to work together to find a mutually-satisfactory resolution; instead, assume you are at fault and wear a plastic smile at all times. This is another thing which absolutely won't lead to resentment and the collapse of the relationship.

19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.

Um. Yeah. I can't imagine where this would come up, but I guess it's a fairly good rule. Likewise, don't flirt with her father. Her sisters are fair game, however.

20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like crap, so be understanding.

I assume this is supposed to be about menstruation rather than PMS. Most guys will probably have a problem with PMS, since it tends to result in some difficult behaviors, but there's nothing freaky about it. Menstruation, however, thanks to thousands of years of religious doctrine which label women as "dirty," does get a bad rap. Saying it's not gross is fairly subjective - this is a person who is hemorrhaging blood, which I can't say I find terribly appealling; but it's natural. Once again, this comes down to the much-repeated concept of not opening any sort of a dialogue and just following the instructions on the list. Nice work, Author.

21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.

Sage advice. I guess.

22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

"Once you've started dating, she possesses no identity outside of her relationship with you."

23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

This is another one I don't really know how to mock. Just... try taking her down to a sewage treatment plant for your next date. She'll be with you; it'll be fine. There's nowhere better than the old sewage treatment plant. Actually that may end up being incorporated into my own dating regimen, now that I think about it, as a way to weed out the poor candidates.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

Mobile pressure on a broken ankle or wrist feels really good. Honest. Catch-all advice based on absolutes with little basis in reality works wonders.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

If the guy in question is me, for whom, let's say, a couch is fragile, this is good advice. If the girl in question is my cousin's wife, who is six feet tall and training to be an olympic shot-putter, this is retarded advice.

26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.

"Because women never forgive anything. Ever. Because they're unthinking bitches who were created by Meshahotep, vengeful god of impractical standards." This is, however, solid advice. For God's sake: it's her birthday.

27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.

Marinading cologne works only slightly better than serenading cologne. Though they rhyme, neither accomplishes much.

28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful. Jewelry is always nice.

I'm very, very bad at giving gifts, but even I know that you should choose a gift which is appropriate, stupid or not. And if we were to apply this advice to me and any future romantic relationship in which I might be involved, it's absolutely horrible advice. Odds are pretty good that any female who would voluntarily enter into a relationship with me will be fond of stupid things more than jewelry.

29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

As soon as you get the barest inkling that things might not all be puppydogs and rainbows, cut your losses and move on. If a relationship has any difficulties whatsoever, if you believe you might suffer some degree of distress or anguish, it wasn't meant to be. Lasting relationships are always of the storybook variety, and require no sacrifice or compromise whatsoever; they definitely don't ever involve getting hurt.

30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

The electro-chemical transmitters in your body do not operate on nanosecond timetables; ergo, it would require substantially more than a nano-second (likely several thousands of a second) to lose that trust. Aside from the dubious sentence structure, I do like the phrase "most guys would kill for that kind of power." We aren't talking about controlling an orbital ion cannon defense platform aimed at the White House - we're talking about a girl's emotions. Somehow, I doubt that "most guys" would kill anyone to win a girl's trust. John Hinkley, I guess, but that's about it.