EXT. SCENE - A verdant plain surrounding Moscow

Our heroes, still in Soviet Trudge Mode (the mandatory state walk of Russia), are approaching Moscow. It is nearly night. As our heroes reach Recognizable Landmark Distance from the city, night fully falls, dying instantly on impact, with a suitably grisly explosion of meaty bits. A wolf howls. Suddenly, zombies and zombie ninjas and, like, snakes and bats and other spooky stuff surround our heroes, who fly once again into combat mode.

AHMED (firing his favored totally normal pistol from the future): Ye gods, they're everywhere!

It is true. Their foes are so numerous that they are not just a horde, or even a swarm; they might be calls "zounds", but it would be more accurate to say teeming zounds of swarming legions. There are plenty of them. Fortunately, being non-hero characters, they die easily. Mikhail Gorbachev uses a shotgun, while Arminnius and Ahmed resort to awesome John Woo combat maneuvers and use their pistols. They are surprisingly good shots, but still they are at a disadvantage. In Soviet Russia, villains defeat you.

ZOMBIE NINJAS AND ZOMBIES: Braaiiiiiins...

SNAKES (making noise): Hiss!

BATS (making noise): Squeak?

Really, bats don't make a very ferocious noise. I'm not even sure that's the noise they make. I'm pretty much just guessing here.

The battle continues in a thoroughly heterosexual and manly fashion, with lots of bullets and death and stuff. Manly stuff. Stuff that brings to mind differing reproductive organs interlocking in a fairly graceless grind and definitely does not suggest anal sex or anything of the sort. Gradually, though, our heroes are back-to-back-to-back in sort of a triangle. Not a gay love triangle. Nevertheless, things look grim.

SAMUEL JACKSON (suddenly and inexplicably helping): I'm gettin' tired of all these muthafuggin' snakes on this muthafuggin' plain!

Samuel Jackson handles the snakes with his totally sweet lightsaber which is like twice as long as the other jedis', giving our heroes the edge they needed against the remaining teeming zounds of swarming legions they face in the form of ninjas and ninja zombies and bats. Now that the tides have turned with the help of a guy with a freaking lightsaber (seriously, how sweet is that!), the TZSL of enemies start being pushed back, leading to a heterosexual-friendly distance between each of our heroes and thereby preserving the institution of marriage and keeping anyone from being fatally mauled by cock-hungry gays who are more dangerous than great white sharks and lightning combined in some sort of great-lighting-white shark that has razor-sharp teeth that electrocute you when they bite and the power to conjure superstorms that would ravage the Earth and destroy all life and make the moon crash into the planet forcing it to split in half and go hurtling into the sun which would for some reason go nova and collapse into a black hole despite the insufficient mass only this black hole would be totally evil and would destroy the rest of the universe including Australia and Ultra-Australia found on Rigel III because that's what gays do. Plus the sharks would have bees in their mouths. Ultra-bees.

Gradually, the sun rises. And takes its sweet damn time doing it, too. Finally, FINALLY it rises enough for a rooster to crow, signaling the TZSL of foes to return to the ground or other dimensions or planes or wherever their native habitat is. By the harsh light of dawn, it is clear that there are unspeakable numbers of corpses around. Corpses of snakes, bats, and zombies of both the vanilla and ninja persuasions are, seriously, like, everywhere. Huge heaps of them. Our heroes and Samuel Jackson are unharmed. It seems that no one reloaded his weapon during the fight except Samuel Jackson, whose lightsaber ran out of awesome juice once.

SAMUEL JACKSON: I must return to my home planet now. Muthafuggas.

Not bounded by rules of time, space, meat, or Soviet Russia (where home planet returns to you, presumably with catastrophic gravitational effects), he does.