Our heroes trudge across the countryside in someplace which can only be Europe. It is late afternoon, and the sun is a few hours from setting, lighting everything in a deep orange light. Arminnius, at this point pretty obviously the party leader, is in front, followed closely by Ahmed, who is then followed by Mikhail Gorbachev. All are wearing brown monk's habits. In a distant shot, one can see that no people or towns or even roads are anywhere within several miles of them. They are heading east.
AHMED: Remind me what we're doing again in a fashion which is certainly not to provide a summary of the events thus far as a sort of convenient recap to avoid forcing people to nobly re-read the last four installments?
ARMINNIUS: We're going to Russia. For some reason. A very important reason. Which will probably not be adequately explored because it doesn't matter. But we're going there.
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: In Soviet Russia, reason explores you!
AHMED: ...yeah. Okay, that's not getting old.
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: In Soviet Russia, old not gets you!
Ahmed and Arminnius both sigh. Suddenly, they see before them an exceedingly fat, balding man dressed in green tights and suspenders, wearing a white shirt. He has a tuba. Around him are four others, all armed with various big brass instruments. The fat man smirks.
FAT MAN (with a German accent): You are trying to reach Russia, Ja?
ARMINNIUS: Ja. Um, yeah. Where the hell did you guys come from? It was totally clear we weren't anywhere near people, let alone five fat guys with tubas. Who... wait, I know who you are! Ahmed, do you remember our incredible adventures on Kalrulon 5? When we definitely weren't with Mikhail Gorbachev? Or Father Grigori?
AHMED: Ummm... you mean Sweden?
ARMINNIUS: Yes!
AHMED: I... guess so. Is this relevant? And not idiotic?
ARMINNIUS: Yes! And no! Why, this is none other than the pasty balding fat villain with a tuba we faced there! My one-time arch-nemesis...
AHMED (gasping): Keeping of the sacred Tuba of Infinite Sausage! Defender of the defendable! Eater of fine cheeses! The Thrilla of Manila, at least in the underground oompa band scene!
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV (getting an actual line): It is beink Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band!
Arminnius and Ahmed give Gorbachev strange looks.
ARMINNIUS: How could you possibly know that? You've been clearly established as not having been there when we met him!
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: I am beink big fan of Manila underground oompa band scene.
AHMED: Uh...
ARMINNIUS (turning back to Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band): You must have been sent by... well, I guess there are two options. The--
AHMED (speaking into a microphone and reading off of a gameshow host's note card): Option number 1! He's a sinister master of every form of combat with a penchant for sounding like a 1920's mobster and looking like a 1910's villain, commander of hordes of ninja zombies as a result of an unholy alliance with an arch-tyrant, and likes long walks on the beach, tying blonde-haired virgins to railroad tracks, and twirling his waxed mustachios while cackling evilly! Give it up for... THE SINNNNNNNNISTER NINJAAAAA!
The Sinister Ninja appears in a burst of smoke, twirling his waxed mustachios and cackling evilly. He whirls his black cowl about his shoulders and strikes a villainous-looking pose. The sounds of wild applause can be heard.
AHMED (speaking into a microphone and reading off of a gameshow host's note card): Option number 2! He's an immortal being from beyond the bounds of time, the very physical embodiment of evil and the master of all the unholy arts, let's give a big eternal round of applause for... AAALYREDDDD!
Alyred appears, a gash of pure mindless horror being rent through the local fabric of space-time in a fashion altogether putrid. The anguish of a million million tormented souls given so intense and exquisite a torment that every pain known to every mortal form throughout all eternity combined would be as but a grain of sand on an infinite beach next to this. With a sudden snap, the rift closes, and where once it tore asunder all that is logical and good in the universe stands Alyred[male incarnation of evil], looking stylish and... well, evil. He gives a bow.
ALYRED: MWAHAHAHA!!!
No applause greets him; instead, the resounding chorus of the anguished damned lends its wretched kiss to the ears of all around. Well, six of them. One of the members of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band can be seen to be on fire, rushing about in a blind panic and waving his arms about unhelpfully. By the next line, he is somehow miraculously back to normal. Arminnius looked torn between choosing which of the two villains sent Oompa Loompa. Calls of "Number 1" and "Number 2" are intermixed as the various people around, including Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band and Oompa Loompa himself. They are split in the options they are calling. Finally, Arminnius turns to Oompa Loompa.
ARMINNIUS: Is... is it option 2?
OOMPA LOOMPA (with a German accent): No! You chose poorly, ja! Ze correct answer vould be "bosz of zem!" Now ve must fight to ze desz! OOMPA STYLE!
ARMINNIUS: Ahmed, handle this! Non-oompa style!
AHMED (making videogame-style special move gestures): Middle-Eastern-Only Special Attack! Swarm of Muslim Warriors!
Suddenly, swarms and swarms of sixteenth-century Islamic warriors come swarming out of nowhere in particular in great swarms, because they're being very swarmy. They swarm at Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band, and nothing can be seen amidst the sheer volumes contained within the swarms of warriors. After a few moments, they swarm off to wherever Islamic swarms swarm off to. Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band are unharmed. Arminnius turns to look with a puzzled expression at Ahmed.
ARMINNIUS: That's your special attack? A swarm of Islamic warriors who don't do anything?
AHMED: Hey! It's low-level! Besides, they're supposed to do something, I just think this is a boss battle - I'd like to see you do better!
ARMINNIUS: Well... I would... but...
AHMED: What? Out with it!
ARMINNIUS: My special attack is... "Swarm of German Warriors."
ARMINNIUS: How could you possibly know that? You've been clearly established as not having been there when we met him!
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: I am beink big fan of Manila underground oompa band scene.
AHMED: Uh...
ARMINNIUS (turning back to Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band): You must have been sent by... well, I guess there are two options. The--
AHMED (speaking into a microphone and reading off of a gameshow host's note card): Option number 1! He's a sinister master of every form of combat with a penchant for sounding like a 1920's mobster and looking like a 1910's villain, commander of hordes of ninja zombies as a result of an unholy alliance with an arch-tyrant, and likes long walks on the beach, tying blonde-haired virgins to railroad tracks, and twirling his waxed mustachios while cackling evilly! Give it up for... THE SINNNNNNNNISTER NINJAAAAA!
The Sinister Ninja appears in a burst of smoke, twirling his waxed mustachios and cackling evilly. He whirls his black cowl about his shoulders and strikes a villainous-looking pose. The sounds of wild applause can be heard.
AHMED (speaking into a microphone and reading off of a gameshow host's note card): Option number 2! He's an immortal being from beyond the bounds of time, the very physical embodiment of evil and the master of all the unholy arts, let's give a big eternal round of applause for... AAALYREDDDD!
Alyred appears, a gash of pure mindless horror being rent through the local fabric of space-time in a fashion altogether putrid. The anguish of a million million tormented souls given so intense and exquisite a torment that every pain known to every mortal form throughout all eternity combined would be as but a grain of sand on an infinite beach next to this. With a sudden snap, the rift closes, and where once it tore asunder all that is logical and good in the universe stands Alyred[male incarnation of evil], looking stylish and... well, evil. He gives a bow.
ALYRED: MWAHAHAHA!!!
No applause greets him; instead, the resounding chorus of the anguished damned lends its wretched kiss to the ears of all around. Well, six of them. One of the members of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band can be seen to be on fire, rushing about in a blind panic and waving his arms about unhelpfully. By the next line, he is somehow miraculously back to normal. Arminnius looked torn between choosing which of the two villains sent Oompa Loompa. Calls of "Number 1" and "Number 2" are intermixed as the various people around, including Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band and Oompa Loompa himself. They are split in the options they are calling. Finally, Arminnius turns to Oompa Loompa.
ARMINNIUS: Is... is it option 2?
OOMPA LOOMPA (with a German accent): No! You chose poorly, ja! Ze correct answer vould be "bosz of zem!" Now ve must fight to ze desz! OOMPA STYLE!
ARMINNIUS: Ahmed, handle this! Non-oompa style!
AHMED (making videogame-style special move gestures): Middle-Eastern-Only Special Attack! Swarm of Muslim Warriors!
Suddenly, swarms and swarms of sixteenth-century Islamic warriors come swarming out of nowhere in particular in great swarms, because they're being very swarmy. They swarm at Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band, and nothing can be seen amidst the sheer volumes contained within the swarms of warriors. After a few moments, they swarm off to wherever Islamic swarms swarm off to. Oompa Loompa and His Four Man Oompa Band are unharmed. Arminnius turns to look with a puzzled expression at Ahmed.
ARMINNIUS: That's your special attack? A swarm of Islamic warriors who don't do anything?
AHMED: Hey! It's low-level! Besides, they're supposed to do something, I just think this is a boss battle - I'd like to see you do better!
ARMINNIUS: Well... I would... but...
AHMED: What? Out with it!
ARMINNIUS: My special attack is... "Swarm of German Warriors."
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: My special attack is beink "Swarm of Soviet Warriors". I be usink it now!
Mikhail Gorbachev makes gestures similar to Ahmed's, apparently counting on surprise or something. Swarms and swarms of Soviet soldiers come swarming out of nowhere in particular, just like Ahmed's special attack. This time, though, Oompa Loompa simply chops one of the soldiers with the blade of his hand, destroying them all. Our heroes look on with mouths agape. In the background, one member of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band can be seen unscrewing the lid of a gasoline container. As he does so, the can shatters, covering him with gasoline. He looks dejectedly down at his clothing.
ARMINNIUS: ...he just destroyed your special attack! That's totally backwards! That's the worst special attack I've ever seen! At least Ahmed's looked impressive!
OOMPA LOOMPA: You are ready to fight ze proper way now, ja?
ARMINNIUS: I suppose we've got no choice.
AHMED: Don't do this, Arminnius! You don't stand a chance! This is an oompa band we're talking about here! Only one thing can stop them!
ARMINNIUS: I have everything I need right... here!
As Arminnius says this, he casts off his monk's habit to reveal clothing very similar to Oompa Loompa's. Arminnius points at the tights.
ARMINNIUS: These pants belonged to my father!
Everyone gasps as this tiny fragment of Arminnius's Mysterious Past™ emerges.
ARMINNIUS: And they aren't really pants - they're lederhosen!
ALL: HOORAY!
ARMINNIUS (eyes slitted in a dangerous glare, speaking grimly to Oompa Loompa): Let's dance.
Oompa Loompa gets a dangerous glint in his eye, and he and the band strike up oompa music. Arminnius dances to it in a fashion I cannot describe as I don't actually know how one dances, let alone how one dances to oompa music. Clips are taken from various Oktoberfests and inserted unexpectedly in various places. Things quickly begin to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. A three second clip of kittens playing with goofy non-oompa music played over it suddenly plays. When it terminates, we find Arminnius, looking weary and sweating but victorious, standing near Oompa Loompa's collapsed form. Nearby, Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band stands around looking unimpressed. One member non-chalantly smokes a cigarette. These are truly the worst extras ever.
ARMINNIUS (breathing heavily): This... round goes to... me, Oompa... Loompa...
Mikhail Gorbachev makes gestures similar to Ahmed's, apparently counting on surprise or something. Swarms and swarms of Soviet soldiers come swarming out of nowhere in particular, just like Ahmed's special attack. This time, though, Oompa Loompa simply chops one of the soldiers with the blade of his hand, destroying them all. Our heroes look on with mouths agape. In the background, one member of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band can be seen unscrewing the lid of a gasoline container. As he does so, the can shatters, covering him with gasoline. He looks dejectedly down at his clothing.
ARMINNIUS: ...he just destroyed your special attack! That's totally backwards! That's the worst special attack I've ever seen! At least Ahmed's looked impressive!
OOMPA LOOMPA: You are ready to fight ze proper way now, ja?
ARMINNIUS: I suppose we've got no choice.
AHMED: Don't do this, Arminnius! You don't stand a chance! This is an oompa band we're talking about here! Only one thing can stop them!
ARMINNIUS: I have everything I need right... here!
As Arminnius says this, he casts off his monk's habit to reveal clothing very similar to Oompa Loompa's. Arminnius points at the tights.
ARMINNIUS: These pants belonged to my father!
Everyone gasps as this tiny fragment of Arminnius's Mysterious Past™ emerges.
ARMINNIUS: And they aren't really pants - they're lederhosen!
ALL: HOORAY!
ARMINNIUS (eyes slitted in a dangerous glare, speaking grimly to Oompa Loompa): Let's dance.
Oompa Loompa gets a dangerous glint in his eye, and he and the band strike up oompa music. Arminnius dances to it in a fashion I cannot describe as I don't actually know how one dances, let alone how one dances to oompa music. Clips are taken from various Oktoberfests and inserted unexpectedly in various places. Things quickly begin to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. A three second clip of kittens playing with goofy non-oompa music played over it suddenly plays. When it terminates, we find Arminnius, looking weary and sweating but victorious, standing near Oompa Loompa's collapsed form. Nearby, Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band stands around looking unimpressed. One member non-chalantly smokes a cigarette. These are truly the worst extras ever.
ARMINNIUS (breathing heavily): This... round goes to... me, Oompa... Loompa...
AHMED: That was amazing!
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV: Da.
AHMED: Amazingly ridiculous that is! You looked like a complete idiot! And how you managed to beat the stuffing out of Oompa Loompa just by dancing to his ludicrous oompa music utterly escapes me. This doesn't even make sense. This scene is stupid!
Arminnius takes Oompa Loompa's tuba from him. In the background, one member of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band flicks some ash from his cigarette. Right onto the member with the recent gasoline canister accident. He bursts unceremoniously into flames. Time-travelling flames. Laced with pure plasmatic Spookium. No one notices.
ARMINNIUS: At last! The Tuba of Infinite Sausages is ours! The entire reason we came out here possibly! Now then: onward to Russia!
The three heroes continue onwards to Russia, apparently travelling on foot from Rome to Moscow or Saint Petersburg or wherever. What happened to the 80-story tall giant nuclear-powered robot with laser beam eyes, rocket launchers for shoulders, and fists made of pure crushium stuffide? And what about the fact that the main villains were summoned in this but had, combined, one line? What happened to them? And what's with the time-travelling flames? And the Tuba of Infinite Sausages? The hell?
Stay tuned for more! ...sometime!
AHMED: Amazingly ridiculous that is! You looked like a complete idiot! And how you managed to beat the stuffing out of Oompa Loompa just by dancing to his ludicrous oompa music utterly escapes me. This doesn't even make sense. This scene is stupid!
Arminnius takes Oompa Loompa's tuba from him. In the background, one member of Oompa Loompa's Four Man Oompa Band flicks some ash from his cigarette. Right onto the member with the recent gasoline canister accident. He bursts unceremoniously into flames. Time-travelling flames. Laced with pure plasmatic Spookium. No one notices.
ARMINNIUS: At last! The Tuba of Infinite Sausages is ours! The entire reason we came out here possibly! Now then: onward to Russia!
The three heroes continue onwards to Russia, apparently travelling on foot from Rome to Moscow or Saint Petersburg or wherever. What happened to the 80-story tall giant nuclear-powered robot with laser beam eyes, rocket launchers for shoulders, and fists made of pure crushium stuffide? And what about the fact that the main villains were summoned in this but had, combined, one line? What happened to them? And what's with the time-travelling flames? And the Tuba of Infinite Sausages? The hell?
Stay tuned for more! ...sometime!
