Anyway, having narrowly avoided the heat-seeking rocket propelled fragmentation grenade of disemployment, I became acutely aware that whoever was doing the shooting might merely be reloading. Consequently, relying on my finely-honed instincts most appropriately referred to as "blind terror", I began half-heartedly seeking a backup job.
The reason my search was half-hearted was because, really, my job isn't that bad. I could do a lot better, of course, but probably not without either a college degree or unbelievably corrupt HR department; whereas I could do much, much worse with just the tools available to me. For example, I could have to clean up after the incontinent eldery (as, for example, a nursing assistant), or manually disimpact elephant bowels, or associate my name in any capacity besides "detractor" with the Bush Administration.
These are, of course, presented in order of increasing distastefulness.
More important, and, in particular, more relevant to this post than my search for a new job is my experience in "brushing up" on proper interviewing tactics. Interviewing as a process for determining which prospective employee or employees best suits one's company has changed a lot in the last century. In 1910, for example, the typical interview for employment would go something like this:
INTERVIEWER: I see that based on your new-fangled "horseless" résumé you are a Chineeman. One of Satan's most deceitful creatures! Get out of my sight!!
APPLICANT: ...
INTERVIEWER: Oh, wait. That was the last applicant. Based on your résumé, you're a white male with all of six months of formal education and a predilection for incest and eating horse meat. Welcome to the company!
Whereas these days interviewing is a complicated dance back and forth not entire dissimilar from salamander mating behavior, though with the notable exception that it only results in a net increase in the salamander population on special occasions. Based on my research into the topic of "correct interviewing procedures", I've come to the conclusion that the following represents a concise list of major mistakes one can make while being interviewed:
- Tell anything even remotely resembling the truth.
Once you get to the actual interview, the process accelerates. It turns out that at no point should you admit any flaws whatsoever in yourself. If possible - and it is always possible - you should use your response to any question or statement as a platform to flatter yourself and demonstrate how great you are. Lying is great for this. You should also mix in vague threats to the interviewer, making the negative consequences of not hiring you clear. These be directed less against the company than against the interviewer himself.
For example, if you're seeking a job in sales and the interviewer makes a statement like, "I'm a little concerned by your lack of background in the field of theoretical physics," the correct response is not to tear off your clothes, cover yourself in chocolate pudding, and destroy the interviewer's desk with a fireaxe. The correct response, rather, is something like the following:
"I have excellent customer service skills, but you are right, I have not been a theoretical physicist. I do know the key to success is the ability to analyze disparate data, perform reproduceable experiments, and assess sources of experimenta error. I have read numerous books on theoretical physics, and I intend to take seminars at my own expense to learn everything I can. I am a hard worker who lets rejection roll off my back. I never stop. I thirst for knowledge. I am the younger brother of Jesus. Children love me. I once saved a baby and lost a finger doing it. The finger grew back. I can control time. I invented the number seven. I am the Lord God Almighty. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. If you do not hire me, Allah will curse your genitals. I do not require sleep. If you do not believe me, just see if spiders do not come swarming from your tear ducts tonight. I am eleven feet tall."
It was the aggregate weight of all of this information that led me to the conclusion that I was better off just staying with Employer through thick or thin. There is one major potential upside to this arrangement, however: with any luck, by the time I leave, I will be able to claim experience in theoretical physics.
It was the aggregate weight of all of this information that led me to the conclusion that I was better off just staying with Employer through thick or thin. There is one major potential upside to this arrangement, however: with any luck, by the time I leave, I will be able to claim experience in theoretical physics.
